The Art of Letting Go and Control

This tendency of trying to be in control of everything, be it our reality, thoughts, feelings or sufferings, or call it the creator mindset is by the design of human mind, as a help to survive in the planet earth and also to realise the human’s potential to create as the life does itself so abundantly.

A man is born with it, but since our mind is a programmable organ, as the time passes by, and in the years of our unconscious living, its societal and environmental conditioning and genetic carry over, turns it into an overdrive, where it loses its connection from its “true nature” and from the natural guidance that comes from the realm beyond mind in the form of inspiration and intuition. This overdrive results into excessive and misaligned momentum of thoughts, accumulation of imbalanced emotional energy of love, fear, hatred, joy, sex and boredom, and the deluded thinking or believes about several aspects of life and about oneself. These become the primary motivating forces in ones robotic living, for ones day to day actions and responses, incongruent dreams and desires, and for misaligned choices or manifestations of career, relationships or wealth in ones life, without any real sense of inner freedom and choice.

It so happens then that any form of control that one tries to impose also comes from this place of overdrive or imbalance, and consequently, it fuels it further rather than helping one to move towards a solution and balance. Our struggle to fit in, to fight or flight in every situation instead of understanding and befriending it, the lack driven and competitive inspiration that we choose and follow from our surrounding sometimes, the unintelligent chase for happiness instead of experiencing life in its totality, posing a negative attitude towards any happening in life that feels bad from mind’s narrow perspective without realising the learning and growth aspects available from it and distrusting life’s intelligence to orchestrate events for our well being, and even the forced meditation and spiritual practices to run away from our sufferings and from the fear of living, are few examples of imbalanced control that we exercise frequently.

Other than some light moments, every now and then we feel that something is not right and many things are not in place, only because we feel disconnected from our true self and overburdened by this overdrive or imbalance. Though this unconscious living is nothing to feel negative about because it’s just a milestone in this journey of growth and a way for life to self-realise, one can not know beauty without knowing ugliness. Hence without pouting about imbalance that lies in us, we are always free to make an inner choice to move towards alignment and balance. Life is also supportive through its fierce grace by giving us occasional wake up calls by orchestrating events that shake us sometimes and take our sufferings to our capacity to bear.

If you go on counting you can count innumerable things that feel off balance to you in your life, and if you follow techniques and practices to cure each one of them, I guess your whole life will be spent in fixing it without you ever living your true potential. Though practices also have a value initially but you can never remain hung on them. For example, you can not be loving and compassionate by practicing and forcing it on you, neither can you find a balanced expression of hatred and anger in you in terms of inculcating a healthy sense of competition and stopping you to be too meek or a doormat for everyone by suppressing these two indispensable elements of life. You can only fall in balance and let the life heal all your imbalances in totality with its touch. Then the love ensues, compassion nurtures, joy happens, and hatred, anger, fear and sexuality also find a balanced expression through you. For this you need to learn the art of letting go for a while, which is a prerequisite before learning the art of conscious control.

To let your imbalance or overdrive to fall in balance you have to surrender to life or let go of everything for sometime. By letting go I don’t mean you to become a recluse but to be more easy, aware and relaxed on you so that life force can do the inner work on you without you acting as a resistance to it. Understand that this is a process, not an instant recipe and it takes time.

In the state of letting go, you need to allow all kind of thoughts of fear, uncertainty, insecurity, hatred, anger, anxiety, worry without getting attached with them, see them in your gradually growing awareness and thusly letting their excessive momentum to slow down because now you have stopped giving your chronic attention or interest to them that actually was the main reason for their constant empowerment.

You also have to let all the suppressed emotional energy vent out through you by fully allowing it. It will not be easy and sometimes very painful when this energy passes through you. If you feel sad you don’t fight sadness, if you feel depressed you allow depression fully and feel it, anger is allowed, hatred is allowed, and over the time the imbalanced surplus of these energies is released and they find their balanced expression. That’s where some inner courage and commitment to find balance is needed.

This state of allowing will also cause some external realities that are not match to your true nature but were attracted by the imbalanced vibration inside you to crumble down. Your mind can interpret them as negative and get panicked, but you have to allow this sense of panic and fear.

As you start getting connected with your true nature you also start becoming privy to life’s wisdom, which is unimaginably vaster than your mind’s intelligence. Doesn’t it run the whole universe? This brings to you understanding, sometimes as an inner realisation and sometimes through some external source, that shows the truth of your deluded beliefs which you were holding onto so firmly before, and thus causing psychological suffering to yourself.

So the bottom line is to have some time by your choice to go through this phase of total allowing, grow in your awareness, and let the life take complete care of you. This is not a practice, rather it is an attitude of total openness towards what life brings. With the time rolling by, you will start feeling an inner stability and a sense of fearlessness towards whatever situation life unfurls to you. You become spacious inside.

Through the state of allowing, when you have fallen in balance and seen your natural make up, and when the undue mind momentum and uncontrollable emotional energies are not there, you are in a state to consciously work with any thought that arises in you fearlessly, make a choice that is purely driven by inspiration or that feels right as per the wisdom of moment, and shape your natural desires or reality with a balanced combination of your free will and the life’s guidance (destiny). Since in this state you feel merged with the life in totality you have the flexibility to accommodate both your desires and life’s broader intentions and you don’t feel an egoic stubbornness to work off your feet to make something happen and suffer from it if it does not, because now you inherently know that life’s nature is not lack oriented, in fact it revels in abundance. You understand the importance of loss for the creation of new, and are spacious enough inside not to be too clingy or needy and move on, not in the sense of rejection or indifference but out of love. You stop being an emotional leech towards circumstances and people, and also don’t lose your sensitivity at all and are free to take a stance. But this time there’s a freshness and openness in it. Some of these natures are very difficult for your mind to imagine conceptually, but you can sense and live them from this place of balance for yourself.

Hence it’s very important to not just keep running through the fuel of imbalanced mind, but squeeze some time for yourself, to introspect, to understand life, to do the inner work on you for a while, not for anything else but simply because it will enhance the experience of your journey in this physical plane. It’s all a matter a choice. Living with suffering is also a choice, which was made unconsciously by your being, and choosing to live without suffering is also a choice that you can make consciously.

At the present moment your life situation can be anything, good, bad or extremely bad, it doesn’t matter, you are always free to make an inner choice. As the Viktor E. Frankl writes it from his own experience in Nazi concentration camps,

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

It’s easy to understand the value of learning the art of letting go before learning and exercising the art of control in all its might. You should know yourself with all your inherent and natural qualities, preferences, proclivities and desires, before you can make aligned choices and have a wholesome experience of life. Haven’t you seen how long a lion walk surreptitiously, let the deer play freely and learn about its natural movement, before hunting it down.

Once you become honest and aware of your own imbalance and embark on this journey of total allowing even if with a small step of giving yourself just fifteen minutes a day to sit silently and allow, it gets the fuel of your choice and your life start unfolding realisations, inspiration, events and synchronicities, over the time. This release or the act of balancing happens in cycles of bliss and pain. This process ensues its own dynamics but rest assured you will end up with minimal suffering and a balanced experience and expression of and through your life. I’ll also try to share my own experience and understanding in future posts.

Also, I have written it as per my present level of awareness, understanding, experience and research, and I will get more clarity with the ongoing growth and maturity. If any of these words resonate in your heart, you can follow it up, otherwise you are free to move in the direction that life inspires you to at this moment. All of us are condensation of same life energy and are one, therefore you will have your own unique journey towards growth and realisation. The pointers in this article are just helpful outside guidance.

Your thoughts and experiences are welcome.

Note 1: Their is no set standard for balance, only you can be utterly honest what feels like a balance in your being.

Note 2: To connect to your true nature, initially, you can sit daily for 15 to 30 minutes in a comfortable position, with eyes closed and totally relaxed, and allow the movement of all kind of thoughts and emotions happen through you without being involved with them. You can call it detached awareness. To explain it easily it is like becoming a zombie, everything is happening, but you can’t do anything.

Also understand, that you are not forcing yourself to allow or to be aware. You just “are”.

I am a Chain Smoker…

(The poem compares life with smoking a cigarettte and how I desire to have several lives to relish physical reality again and again.) 

Smoke is what I’m made of,

my thoughts are not bubbles,

they are circles, entwined,

entangled, rising up to die,

making me drear, for they

are born between the silence

of my breaths, with one drag,

or two puffs, here and there,

burned are my believes,

smoldering there, in that

ash tray lying underneath,

I smoked one third of my

snout without a doubt,

with its butt as my dream

which I held tight, even

on knowing that soon

my cig will be doused,

the butt will be thrown out,

and you will trample it under

your feet, but now I shall

breath my smoke deep,

let it reach not to my lungs,

but to every vein in my heart,

I shall not stop sucking it now,

even if an apocalypse wreaks,

one smoke can not sate me,

I will burn one more, coz I’m a

chain smoker, addicted to smoke,

I desire that my pack will not

finish till eternity…

Parents, Love, and Life…

Do you love your parents? If yes, that’s beautiful. But if you are faking it out that you love them, just because it buoys up your good personality or keeps your means greased while in your heart, deep inside, you want to blame them for so many things in your life, unconsciously, you are fueling a feeling of “rejection” inside you. I used to love my parents in my childhood, before entering into this complicated life, when I didn’t even know what did the word love mean because it was so natural and was the essence of living then. As the time rolled by, I got deeper and deeper into the abyss of life, struggling, pretending outside that everything is moving awesomely fine while fearing inside to pip out of my conditioning and know my heart and live a life that quenches its desires, a life that is extremely unique in its expression, not comparable even to the most successful or enlightened person in the world. Gradually, somewhere I started to relate some of my problems to my parents. It was very subtle, but it was there and a feeling of apathy towards them kept growing in me. The love and compassion for them was fading out while I was totally busy in my own bubble shaping my future, solving my puzzles and aloof of their pain. It was so difficult to put both I and my parents in my measurements and move ahead. Career, love, life, friends, search of meaning, social contribution, and parents among all of this, what a bitter concoction to taste, as it seemed then!

It might be astounding to know that most of us live very unconsciously, acting as per our programmed mind, struggling to fit in the patterns and deriving our dreams and desires based on the race we feel we are running in. It so happens then that whatever we pursue, be it profession, relationship or entertainment it becomes a mean to find a sense of completeness that we always feel we are missing within instead of pursuing them for the simple joy of their experience. A sense of neediness arises in us and we become slaves to our external experiences or expressions for our happiness without realizing that they are very impermanent in nature. This grips our parents too, and generally, what feels like love from our parents is actually their unconscious attachment and their dependency on us for their happiness. Sometimes their world becomes so constricted to us that they compromise their lives to fulfill our dreams and at the same time oppose everything that seems to be risking their sense of security in their relationship with us. In fact, parents have more share in our risks than our rewards. For an example, suppose you get a good hike in your salary, your parents get very happy while when you go and ask them that you want to go for sky-diving or you want to marry a girl or boy whom you love but they hate, they will stand on their toes to prevent you in doing so. Though their intentions are never bad, they are always as innocent as they are, but without awareness even those prove to be lethal and act as a bottleneck to what aligns to your true desires. At a point this nosiness and clinginess starts to evoke a sense of rejection in us towards them, that’s why we come to know so many cases, specially outside India, where people leave their parents altogether or put their aging parents in outside care facilities. What happens to our capability to love and be compassionate in such cases? I wondered sometime ago.

What should we do with our parents then? I was troubled with this question, and for the fear of being frazzled of not being able to find an answer, I always avoided it. How could I forgive them for all that they did and do unknowingly? As a human, I did not have enough compassionate space in me to accommodate them. I could not love and accept them as they were with all their silliness and infatuation for me. I tried to love them, but love is such a deal that we can not force it, we can not pick things and start loving them one by one because then it becomes a matter of maths and we are always going to leave few things in counting. We can find love only within, love that is all encompassing and then it does not remain a commodity of our entertainment which we keep losing and finding every once and while. If you allow me to digress slightly, I would say that it happened only when I turned inward out of some fierce life situations, which now in hindsight seems like blessings, and realized the completeness and spaciousness that I already was, that my whole perspective towards everything and my parents was shifted. I felt a sense of oneness among all the things, and found them to be very unique at the same time. Realizing the fact that from absolute perspective, everything is a play of consciousness, life became less serious, but at the same time, from relative sense, I knew that we are here to participate fully in life by being open to all the aspects of our humanness, be it happiness, sadness, anger, hatred etc. Everything that is happening in this world is already deeply accepted by life, otherwise it would have not even been happening. But it does not mean that we should become zombies and become unable to respond. In fact, when we are aware of us as consciousness and also know that we are breathing and engaged in life in reality we become fearless to participate in it and are also gracefully endowed with all its innate qualities like love, joy and peace, they do not remain something to chase then. With only this change or rather knowing my true nature for the first time, my feelings for my parents were alchemized drastically, all the rejection was swallowed by the compassion that flowered within, I started to listen them more than reacting, the pinch was changed to pleasure and I started wanting to be with them and spend some beautiful time together. Yet there was an inner freedom to pursue anything even amidst all the expectations and resistance they were trying to impose. May be initially they will feel disappointed if I break their expectations, but with time they will know that I’m more with the truth and I have changed, and I still love them, even more than before. I can be with them or without them, it becomes a conscious choice based on my heart calling, it does not remain a compulsion because now I know that what is good for each of us is also good for the world. We are not existing here independently, it’s all weaved in one, connected, tangled and functioning with an unshakable harmony.

I love my parents and I love everything else too. Life is happening here and now, as it is, beautifully and beatifically. Don’t resist or repress anything, wear an attitude of brash openness to your thoughts, emotions, events, ideas and actions and they will start to fall in balance as they come in close contact with life. We must realize that we are not here to “fix” our lives, we are here to enjoy it with all its shades. Sit with your parents sometime, shedding all your ideas and concepts about them and touch their innocence. Get consumed sometime in their love that is beyond their words and intentions. Can you open your heart beyond your imagination? Did something knock in your heart reading the lines below?

“Love Your Parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.”