(This is a random letter to express a heartfelt thank to a loved one for her unfading touch, unmoving time and the undying trust, even amidst the difficult time she was living on with…)
It seems to be the appropriate time to thank you when today I feel our ways breaking away, a sadness shadowing inside me, tears approaching to eyelids and I feeling to let them fall, brain persistently questioning the happenings around, and yet heart snuggled beside me and saying the secret that love is not slender, it is substantial.
Both of us know the story of past that how it started with an infatuation, grew into an obsession and then turned into a deeper realization that what loving someone truly means. It’s the last part that brought me to bow to you for your grace and fired a light of love in me that will not douse even in the wildest winds. It’s the wake up call that you stirred up in me to come out of the story I was living in and see things as they were beyond the veils on my eyes. Speaking scientifically, I had vented out all the unnecessary cache of emotional imbalances by allowing them instead of suppressing during this course. Now the love for you was not an aching madness, it was an utter joy!
It’s also not so that I was free of all the humanly pain, but now I could welcome it as it is without letting it affect my peace and sanity. I felt a sense of oneness and sensed that loving you is no different than loving myself or loving anyone in the universe because it is all the same, and in parallel this feeling that loving someone uniquely and selfishly is also a beautiful human experience also entered in. Paradox, as it may sound, words can not suffice to make you believe unless you experience it yourself. I could also see through the lack oriented ideas projected by my mind that if I will lose you I will be doomed or I will not get any better relationship in future, and that’s why all the clinginess that I was imposing on you earlier. But by nature life is not lacking, it is abundant of experiences, experiences that aligns to your natural make up and desires! It’s only our imbalanced believes that make us feel stuck and resist the unfolding of life’s natural expression through us. Thus, all this gave me the power to love and let go at the same time and look at things from broader or cosmic context rather than limited and personal. This was also the reversal of the “place” where my desires were coming from e.g. before I wanted to be with you to quell my lonliness and now out of simple joy of it, before I was enforcing love on you out of desperation and now I simply loved you without conditions, before I felt that it will be the end of my sufferings if we happen to be together and now I feel it will be the start of a creative journey where both of us can participate in actualizing our dreams, and, before I wished my happiness with you and now I wish your happiness with anyone. I can talk on and on on this, but you will be bored, I know! So stopping here with a fondly smile for you!
Reminding of smiles, they have been the unfailing companion in our encounters, but I could also feel the pain that was behind your smiles. Unsaid and unexpressed, you have been hiding it, bearing it all all alone. Time has been troublesome for you since you left this place, and I also felt a pinch of it and a flutter that when it will end for you. You know , since the time we have met half of my all heartbeats timings have been assigned only for wishing for you! Wondering that there are so many things in this world to wish for and yet I am choosing you, yes, love is a selfish deal!
The connection we share with each other is beautiful. You happen to grace me with a dream and a loving sensation that allays all my woes whenever we talk or meet and I know you also love the smell of our togetherness. The friendship, the frankness and the flirtatiousness, I feel lucky for every flair of it. I least care for our connection’s culmination, but I deeply desire to cherish it in any form and endlessly. Still, girl, I couldn’t understand your heart quite. I couldn’t see its intentions clearly. May be it is not needed, may be all the confusion is to be embraced as it is, or maybe it holds something for us in the coming time. I’m smiling you know, and cunningly too!
When I imagine you today, I see you tied in shackles, while I want to see you as a free bird. Honestly, I will also not flatter you by saying that outside circumstances or people are responsible for all this because now I know that outside is just the reflection of your inside, so in essence, only you are responsible for the way you feel. Instead of taking the stories of your mind too seriously and personal, try to find who “you” are beyond stories, ever in peace, ever in love, and caressing everything be it your fear, pain, joy or love. It’s very obvious that unless you know your heart, you can’t make choices and you will keep dawdling. I used to be very weak in making choices and that’s why I left so many jobs out of boredom and confusion creeping in. But now I can take decisions consciously e.g. I recently visited my books wishlist in Amazon and scrapped off eighty percent books that I had saved for reading because I instantly knew that I didn’t want to read them. All I’m saying is that stop struggling, relax, face and know yourself, and come out of your bubble to enjoy the present which is a present given to you by life. There is no better or worse way of living, it just is and you withhold its blatant expression within you. Even the lives of a crippled beggar and a crowned emperor are not to be compared, both are beautiful in their own accord.
You are so beautiful, and loving you is so easy that even if you try to break my heart thousand times, only more and more light will gush out of it with the crevice getting larger with every strike you pound. So please, unhesitatingly, do it freely and whenever you want! And, I’m not kidding! I just wish that in doing that you could cheer as a flower, you could fall as the rain, you could fly as the singing bird, you could float as free waves and you could waft as far as breeze takes you. Another smile, with some wizardry!
I know you are a strong and mature girl, so you won’t be gullibly and emotionally influenced by my words and poetic appreciation, though you can enjoy it and see the truth in it yourself! I also intend not to influence you by any mean, it is just that today my heart is feeling low and wants you to know your own alchemy that changed me, changed the way I look at you and binds me with an unwavering thankfulness towards you.
“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.
I love you.” — Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)
Hugs, love and thanks, as many as you want! A last smile, with all the streaks on my face passionately collecting and clasping together to create it only for YOU!
Yours, with a grateful heart…